The Best of You

On the phone... I said, "I feel like I get the best of you."
He said, "You really do."
And before I could stop it I said, "I love the best of you." And then I stopped breathing.
"You do?" he asked.
I exhaled, and said, "Yes. I do."

* * *

Last week we had been breathless and sweaty on a couch in the office. He had another meeting, I just needed him to touch me. He went out to have dinner with another manager and I sent him a text message that I was clocking out and removing my bra at 5:30.
When he got back he entered the room with such force of need that we didn't even speak.
This week we met again in the laundry room. He pressed me against the washing machine and he held me so close. I said, "Oh I do love you. I'm so sorry."
He asked why I was sorry. I said, "Because that was not part of the plan. I was not supposed to love you."
He said, "You know I love you back, right?"
No, actually. I had not known that. It made me dizzy and I had no idea what to say. kissed him again, hard, and then I left him there. I got in my car and was halfway home before I could feel my face again.

* * *

He has been very clear about the fact that he was not going to leave his wife. And until recently that was not even something that I thought about. But now I want him to belong to me. Now I want him in every part of my life.
And I know. I know that I am broken and if he was free I would be more scared than I have ever been. I know that he is not going to be free and that our little fantasy world where we sleep until noon on the weekends and then make love all afternoon is not going to happen.
But we have talked about it. We have talked about where we would live and the steps we would have to take since we could not be together openly and work together. We have talked about the kids and the cats and the life we would have.

* * *

Now we have conversations about the terrible parts of our personalities and routines to try to use reality to make the fantasy less appealing.
So far the only real obstacles are my student loan debt and his weird racial issues.