The Best of You

On the phone... I said, "I feel like I get the best of you."
He said, "You really do."
And before I could stop it I said, "I love the best of you." And then I stopped breathing.
"You do?" he asked.
I exhaled, and said, "Yes. I do."

* * *

Last week we had been breathless and sweaty on a couch in the office. He had another meeting, I just needed him to touch me. He went out to have dinner with another manager and I sent him a text message that I was clocking out and removing my bra at 5:30.
When he got back he entered the room with such force of need that we didn't even speak.
This week we met again in the laundry room. He pressed me against the washing machine and he held me so close. I said, "Oh I do love you. I'm so sorry."
He asked why I was sorry. I said, "Because that was not part of the plan. I was not supposed to love you."
He said, "You know I love you back, right?"
No, actually. I had not known that. It made me dizzy and I had no idea what to say. kissed him again, hard, and then I left him there. I got in my car and was halfway home before I could feel my face again.

* * *

He has been very clear about the fact that he was not going to leave his wife. And until recently that was not even something that I thought about. But now I want him to belong to me. Now I want him in every part of my life.
And I know. I know that I am broken and if he was free I would be more scared than I have ever been. I know that he is not going to be free and that our little fantasy world where we sleep until noon on the weekends and then make love all afternoon is not going to happen.
But we have talked about it. We have talked about where we would live and the steps we would have to take since we could not be together openly and work together. We have talked about the kids and the cats and the life we would have.

* * *

Now we have conversations about the terrible parts of our personalities and routines to try to use reality to make the fantasy less appealing.
So far the only real obstacles are my student loan debt and his weird racial issues.

Plans

It is getting to be more difficult at work. Some people have noticed a difference in us and we are doing what we can to deflect the rumors.
It is so hard not to kiss him every morning. Its hard not to touch him all day long.
We try not to sneak away to make out at work, but it is so tempting. Our time together is so limited and we have to be so careful... there have been a few times in secret places when nobody is around, and every time he touches me or whispers something I love him just a little more.
Oh yes. I love him. And not just a little bit.
And it's not just the secrecy and the kissing.
He calls me late at night and sometimes we watch television together; Lost and At The Movies and Justified. We sync up our recordings and talk through commercials.
But there are plans in the works. In May there is a three-day conference about four hours away and we are the only two who have signed up to go. He also talked the Powers That Be into letting us go up a day early so that we wouldn't have to leave so early in the morning.
Oh yes, four days and three nights alone and away.
I am so impatient and so focused on this trip that I can't think of anything else.
We talk about it and count the weeks spread out before us. This oasis of us in the distance.

Anything

He found a way to come to me.
I bought new underwear, new sheets, new area rugs for the bedroom.
The usual disorganization of my life does not lend itself to the illusion of fantasy... so I lit candles and removed as much cat hair as I could find.
I gave him directions.
I moved through my house restlessly, imagining him there and willing the time to pass until he arrived and then to stop so that I could have him all to myself.
I cleaned my house and made the bed and shaved my legs and waited.
And then he was there. Tall and smiling and so very real in my living room.
We were both nervous and a little awkward at first, but the kissing started and everything just sort of fell into place.
He was sweet and nervous and wonderful, and he made me come so hard I cried. And he held me and kissed me again so sweetly...
After, we talked and laughed and touched and kissed some more. I haven't wanted a man to stay the night in so long, but this one could have stayed forever.
Of course, the fact that he could not possibly stay more than a few hours made it very safe for me to want him to stay forever.
Just before he had to go the kissing became more fevered and desperate.
I love the sounds he makes when he comes.
I love the way he moves inside me.
I love the way he laughs and kisses my forehead when I say something clever.
I love his hands in my hair and the way he smells.
I tried to stay in the mindset that this could be the only time we had together and that I should just enjoy every second for what it was - a sweet, temporary, lovely moment.
But every moment made me want him more.
I expected to feel alone and empty when he left and I was surprised to find that I just felt complete and happy.
I am in so much trouble.