Leaving

I have accepted a new job. One closer to home, which makes it much more practical.
Also? This relationship is way too much to me and it is more and more dangerous by the second.

If someone at work found out he would lose his job and that is not ok with me. (I would lose my job too, I think, but jobs at my level are much easier to find than jobs at his... clearly... it took me less than two weeks to interview and get another job).

People can see that there is something between us and it is really only a matter of time before someone actually catches on... and even if it didn't make it all the way up the gossip chain (which it would) it would ruin the just-now-healing bonds in the department. They have been through a lot of shit in the past 2 years or so, and this would not go over well.

I am terrified that I am going to lose him... though he has been so sweet and so quick to reassure me. We have plans to meet, and there are some options.

We talked about it today. We talked about how this relationship took us both by surprise. After the careful way we talked and planned and negotiated the terms of our physical relationship the love part just showed up. I knew I was going to love him from the beginning, but I didn't know it would hit me this hard. I didn't know that I would trust him this much... I didn't know that I would want him to not be married anymore. I didn't know that I would ever want a man in my house again. I didn't know that I would be so naked and exposed to him.

And he didn't know that he would fall in love with me. That he would ever even consider leaving her and coming home to me...

After our trip we both came home shaken and stunned by how good it was together. Today I told him that this was not going to get better. Every time we see each other is only going to further cement what we have together and it's just going to be that much harder to walk away.

It is too soon now for permanent decisions... but there is a decision point looming over us and I am as scared of losing him as I am that he might actually choose me.